The Lonely
by Buick Regal Racecar 56
Summary: She could pretend to be coping all she wanted; it was the nights she woke up alone that she realized how hard it was to live without him. Gracia Hughes songfic, set after a certain episode with Maes. Spoilers for anyone who might not have seen it. Set during the Brotherhood series.


_**Disclaimer: **__I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, or the song used in this fanfiction. The song is The Lonely by Christina Perri, and if possible, I'd recommend listening to it while you read this. However, if you get emotional really easily (like me), you can just read it._

The Lonely

_Two AM, where do I begin_

_Crying off my face again_

The ticking of the clock echoed in the silence, seeming almost deafening. A thin sliver of moonlight found it's way through the drawn curtains, the ghostly blue beam of light resting on an empty pillow. The other side of the bed was occupied, although the occupant was wide awake, her green eyes staring at the ceiling, sleep having just left her. She couldn't stop dreaming of him... With a sigh, and avoiding looking at the empty space beside her, she quietly got out of bed, grabbing her robe and going through the motions of going into the kitchen. It seemed that everything she did these days was just that- simply going through the motions, without thinking of what she was really doing. Sure, she could put up a facade of being alright around everyone, pretending that it didn't hurt as much as it did, but when she was alone...

When she was alone, it was easy to let down the facade, it was easy to let the tears fall down her face until she could no longer let them free. She set a tea kettle out on the stove, then numbly sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. She didn't have to look around the room to see the proudly displayed child's drawings that he'd taken care to put up for their daughter. She knew where each and every one was from memory; she knew the laughter and smiles behind each image, the exuberance in her spouse's and daughter's eyes as the image was hung. Her daughter still beamed with joy at her artistic abilities, hung so lovingly by her father; somehow, she found it hard to do so without breaking down in front of the young girl.

_The silent sound of loneliness_

_Wants to follow me to bed_

The tea kettle's shrill whistle drew her out of her trancelike state, and she went through the simple motions of pouring the tea into a cup, and sat back at the table. As she sipped at the warm cup, her eyes drifted to the family pictures proudly displayed on the cupboard. She'd insisted he not place them there; she didn't need family pictures in every room of the house. He'd just laughed, and placed the pictures there anyways. She'd later moved them; somehow, she found they'd returned. That had been a bit of a fake argument between them- it had turned into a game. It seemed, in a way, he'd won. Now, she couldn't bring herself to move them.

Placing down her tea mug, she walked over to the images, holding her robe close around her. All the pictures seemed to be of her and her daughter; she'd commented many times that he wasn't in enough of them. He'd simply answered that he wanted to make sure he always had his two darling angels with him. And hadn't that been the truth? He had always been known for ecstatically showing pictures of her and their daughter to everyone, to the point of annoyance. He was always prepared with a picture of them; right up until that last moment. The tears threatened to spill over again at that thought. She took a deep breath, although it was shaky.

He'd always warned her of the possibilities, although he'd reassured her time and time again that he'd be safer here. She thought she'd accepted these possiblities, these warnings; but every warning in the world couldn't stop her from feeling the pain that still held onto her heart.

_I'm a ghost of a girl_

_That I want to be most_

With her tea once again in hand, she went into the living room, her eyes finding her favorite picture of their small family. It contained all three of them, hence why it took the place as favorite among all of the pictures. They all looked so happy- and certainly, she remembered how happy they had been that day. Elicia was always excited to spend time with her father; she loved him so much that the time he had with them was the most precious thing she could've imagined. And Maes... he'd always been the excitable kind. He'd loved them so much, so very much. A faint ghost of a smile played upon her lips looking at the picture. Despite the worries, the fears, the dread she'd felt each day as he left, it had always been worth it when he'd arrive home and happily pick up Elicia for a hug, and immediately afterwards pull her in for a kiss. It had always been worth it to see his smile, to hear his laugh, to wake up at night from a dream where he was gone, and be comforted when she felt his arms wrapped around her protectively, despite being asleep as well. It had always been worth it to see him read Elicia stories, tuck her into bed with a promise that he'd be able to spend more time with her soon.

But that day... her smile faded away. That day, when he'd promised to be home early... he hadn't come home. As the clock ticked away seconds first, followed by minutes, her worry built. The questions from Elicia were held back by silence, but the young girl's eyes told it all. She was wondering where her daddy was as well. Maes wasn't one to break promises...

She'd asked him, out of frustration with him one day, how she'd ever explain to Elicia if something happened to him. It had been a day where he'd thought he'd be home early; he ended up getting home late. Elicia was already in bed, her innocent face showing sadness at not being able to see her father, and she was so worried by the point when he arrived that she'd begun to think she'd lost him. He'd been exhausted from work, and probably had not wanted the first thing he heard from his precious wife to be angry inquiries as to where he'd been. The question of what she'd do without him had never come up before; when it was voiced, silence had hung in the air for what felt like hours. In reality, it had only been a few moments. He had been about to answer, she could see it in his eyes, when the next question slipped from her lips.

_"What would I do without you?"_

_I'm a shell of a girl_

_That I used to know well _

He'd not been able to find an answer. The tears had come that night, as soon as the words left her lips, thinking about the finality, the absense that would be brought into her life at that possibility. In the end, he'd held her as she cried, all the worries built up from watching the clock and waiting for him coming out. He had only been able to tell her that if something did happen, if that finality of him being removed from their family were to come true, she should handle it as best as she could.

And that was what she was doing. Or at the very least, that's what she was trying to do. She sighed heavily once again, taking the now empty mug of tea back to the kitchen, and placing it in the sink. She'd worry about it later. She began to head back to her room; however, she ended up stopping at Elicia's. Elicia... there were days where she seemed to realize her daddy was never going to return. Then there were days where she adamantly refused to believe anything other than he was still at the office. Explaining death to a four year old was harder than anything; perhaps even harder than losing Maes to begin with.

She opened the door, the ghost smile returning to her face at the peaceful expression on her daughter's face as she slept. At least someone in this family could still sleep peacefully. She went into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed, picking up the teddy bear her daughter had dropped in her sleep and gently tucking it next to the sleeping child. It seemed, for a moment, that Elicia would wake up, but that moment passed. She watched her sleep soundly for a few moments, then returned to her room, to the half empty bed that she couldn't get used to. She climbed back onto her side of the bed, eyes avoiding his side once again. The moonbeam remained. It only took moments before her green eyes wandered to that side of the bed; she hesitated only momentarily before she scooted over to that side, burying her face in the pillows. They still smelled like him, bringing back memories that made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. She settled simply for closing her eyes, allowing herself to attempt sleep once more, hoping that the good memories would follow her into her dreams.

_Dancing slowly in an empty room_

_Can the lonely take the place of you?_

_ "He's not coming back, is he mommy?" Gracia held the small child gently, cradling her, trying her hardest to keep her emotions in balance right now. _

_ "No, sweetheart. He's not." Elicia's lip trembled, her eyes wide, threatening tears._

_ "But, he promised." _

_ "Sometimes grown ups have to break promises, Elicia." _

_ "Can... can I still talk to him?" Despite the tears held back in her own eyes, Gracia smiled._

_ "Of course you can. Anytime you want." _

_ "On the phone?" _

_ "Not on the phone sweetie. But when you're out here with him, you can..." The child glanced away from her mother for a moment at the smooth, curved stone, a name and date engraved. _

_ "Will he hear me?"_

_ "Yes. He will."_

_ "Will he talk to me too, mommy?" Gracia sighed. _

_ "If he does, you might not hear it. He's not really here..."_

_ "So how can I know if he hears me?" _

_ "You'll know. You'll just be able to tell." Elicia was quiet for a moment. _

_ "Mommy?" _

_ "Yes Elicia?" _

_ "Do you think he's watching us?" Gracia allowed another smile to show on her face._

_ "Yes. I think he is. And I think he wishes just like we do that he could be here with us right now, making us feel better." Elicia was quiet again, thinking._

_ "Then I'm going to visit him as often as possible. I don't want daddy to not be able to see me." Gracia laughed quietly, tickling her daughter's arm. Elicia giggled._

_ "I think he'll like that, sweetie. I think he'll like that a lot."_

_I sing myself a quiet lullaby_

_Then you go and let the lonely in_

_To take my heart again_

_Long time FMA reader, first time FMA writer! I've been around fanfiction for seven years, so I'm not about to start pleading 'no flames' for it being my first story- I've fandom jumped several times now, so I know each one is a bit different. Anyways, I heard this song by Christina Perri (and the lyrics used aren't even the whole song) and I couldn't help but think of Gracia Hughes. I know there are tons of stories out there already based on this same sort of concept, but I wanted to put my own spin on it. I hope you liked this, I know it's sad, but that's probably from the effect of listening to the song used in this story repetitively while reading it. Hope you enjoyed, and hope to see you again FMA fans!_

_Buick Regal Racecar 56_


End file.
